Loving

The book of Exodus reports that shortly after receiving the Ten Commandments Moses asked God to “show me your ways, so that I may know you.” (Exodus 33: 13). In reply God offers the following self-description:

The Lord, the Lord,
A God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger
And abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,
Keeping steadfast love for the thousandth generation,
Forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin,
Yet by no means clearing the guilty,
But visiting the iniquity of the parents upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation. (Exodus 34: 6-7)

What is translated above as “steadfast love” is חסד or chesed in the original Hebrew. In the Bible chesed is most often translated as merciful or compassionate. In modern, non-religious English we could also use the word empathetic. God is compassionate; God knows your passions. God knows your true self, understands your intent and your fears, so God is empathetic. Because God knows your true self God is merciful. God loves you.

Because we are made in the image and likeness of God this is also our essential character. We are created to share the passions of others, know others, empathize with others, and love others.

The psychologist Rollo May writes, “The task and possibility of the human being is to move from his original situation as an unthinking and unfree part of the mass… to ever widening consciousness of himself and thus ever-widening freedom and responsibility, to higher levels of differentiation in which he progressively integrates himself with others in freely chosen love and creative work.” (May, Rollo; Man’s Search for Himself). To empathize with others requires substantial self-awareness. Without a self-critical, reflective, and honest ability at self-assessment we can hardly hope to understand others. As it has often been said, to love another you must first love yourself. To know another you must first know yourself.

Outside the private world of friends and family we are often uncomfortable discussing love. In a business context discussion of love is especially complicated. But such discomfort reflects an understanding of love quite different from that of the Torah or the New Testament.

Rollo May defines love “as a delight in the presence of the other person and an affirming of his value and development as much as one’s own.” While secular in origin, this definition is consistent with the Biblical concept of love. As a manager and consultant this is also very close to how I often feel in the most productive client contexts. Delight is not a word I would often use to describe my work with clients and colleagues, but it is a feeling that I have certainly experienced and want to experience more often.

We can approach business relationships – and many relationships – without much attention to the fundamental value of the other, much less seeking to delight in the other. In fact, we become quite adept at distancing ourselves from others, barely acknowledging our common humanity and shared identity. In making this choice we increase the separation between our current condition and our own true self.

If we accept that loving – along with creating and empowering – is an essential element of our character this distancing is not merely unfortunate; it is fundamentally wrong. You cannot know your true self without opening yourself to the risk, pains, and joys of loving others.

Can we really be effective in developing our colleagues or serving our clients without affirming their value and development as much as our own? If you lead from your true self, you will be compelled to help others find their true selves.